For The Record

This post will mainly be about Travis and a little about me. So if you read this just to catch up on my kids then you may want to move on. This is an informative post and more about setting the record straight about Travis and myself.

Travis and I got divorced 2 years ago (2009) and I think there has been some speculation as to why we got divorced. He and I got divorced because we were young and naive. We had an unrealistic view of what marriage should be like. We wanted our cake and eat it too. We were simply playing house and not facing the real reality that marriage takes work and compromise and neither one of us were willing to do either of those. There were also a lot of issues going into the marriage that neither one of us knew how to deal with, and that pushed us apart rather than pushing us together. So for us divorce seemed like our only option.  This is were the speculation comes in. Some have talked amongst each other saying that it was drugs that caused our divorce. They couldn't be more wrong, and if people would just ask the source then you will most likely get a more accurate answer regarding the matter.

Travis got into drugs right after we separated and  the divorce process started. He was not on drugs during our marriage. I would be lying if I said he never did any while we were married, but he did. Can I honestly say he wasn't addicted while we were married? Absolutely, I can say that. I left Travis on October 10th of 2009 due to his request. He didn't start really getting into drugs until a few weeks after. Our divorce became final in February. At this time I wasn't aware of Travis' problem because we didn't speak. We reconnected in April of 2010, and I decided I would give him another chance. I had my suspicions a few months into it that he was addicted to drugs, but I never confronted the issue. Yes, I know I was foolish, I don't need the judgement from anyone.

January of 2010 was when it all hit the fan and came out that he has had a drug problem for the past 2 years. He was put in ICU due to a very bad drug withdrawal that almost killed him. Let me repeat.......IT WAS A WITHDRAWAL, not an overdose. They are two completely different things.  He was in the hospital for 3 days getting the help he needed and desperately wanted. 

Staying clean was what he wanted. So his mom and I didn't everything we could to help him with that.  We got him into a specialist who deals with drug addicts all day. This doctor was referred to us by the hosiptal.  The doctor assessed him and decided that putting him on Suboxone was the best way to go for him. From what I understand there are only 5 doctors in the state that can prescribe this particular drug. Now this is where the confusion comes in for many people. Some people think that there aren't really doctors out there that would to that and that he is really buying them off the street, or people think you can only be on Suboxone for 6 months. Let me tell you if you hear this from anyone, then they are wrong. He is a real doctor at a really office and everything. :)  I will quote what he said regarding being on suboxone "you could be on this up to 3 years, due to the severity of your addiction. Some people are on it for many years, so don't feel discouraged about not coming off it as quickly as you hope." Yes, this is an addictive drug. Yes, people wonder why fight fire with fire. Well people, some people need this to help with the craving of what they were abusing. Suboxone is an opiate blocker, it doesn't make you high or give you a feeling of being high. It is strictly there to help you with the recovery process (by the way is not an over night process, it is a life time process.) Travis is monitored closely by his doctor and from what his doctor says he if very impressed at how well he was been doing and how far he has come from the first day he saw him. They reason he is doing so well is not because of some opiate blocker or because he was thrown ultimatums. It was all because he himself  wanted to stop he was ready to stop and he also has a great support system to help him along the way.

At this point some of you may be asking yourselves why I didn't just leave him. I didn't leave him because I believe people deserve to be forgiven and not be judged based off of their demons. I also believe that to some degree people can change.  Would it have been easier to leave? Of course, but I didn't because I loved him and I had faith in him that he could change and get through this trial.  Well guess what? He changed and he changed drastically, and its unfortunate that some are not willing to give him the chance to show that he has. They are missing out on a great and amazing guy. There loss not ours.

The thing that has upset me the most in all of this, are a few things; first, people talk behind our backs about it rather then come to us and ask us the questions about it. Second, that they have turned it around to some how be about them and they some how have become the victims. Everyone that knows Travis should be proud of him and not judging him for the mistakes he has made in his past. The definition of past is: Gone by in time and no longer existing. So move on, leave it in the past and find out who they are in the present and form an opinion about them, that is not based on what they did in the past. It's okay to have your reservations about someone because of their past, but don't let that blind you from what they have become because of their past.

Travis has been clean for 2 1/2 years now, he is almost off Suboxone, and he has changed a lot. He is an amazing dad to Zander and Korbin. He has changed in more ways then I can put on a blog. You really just have to get to know him to see what I see and not be so wrapped up in your own lives and perceptions to really notice.

Like I said this was a post to mainly inform you of the REAL story between Travis and me. 

Blogging

Oh blogging!!!! I am terrible at blogging. I need to get better and dedicate myself more too it.

It has been really crazy for us since the last time I blogged. The boys are getting so big and doing some of the funniest things. I enjoy them so much. They are learning so much every day, and are understanding a lot.

When it's time for a nap, and I ask them if they want to take a nap they find their blankies, and go straight to their room and wait for me at their cribs. When I ask if they want a snack they go straight for the pantry and decide which snack they want. Basically, when I ask them anything they go straight to where ever it is.

Zander is a ball of energy. He runs everywhere. He is definitely the big brother, he wants whatever Korbin has even if he has the exact same toy. The two of them have become more interactive with each other. There are times when I am in the kitchen cleaning or starting dinner I will hear both of them laughing together. It melts my heart. Zander will push Korbin down or pull his hair until Korbin gives the toy up or moves out of Zander's way. It is very frustrating and I am working hard to break that habit.

Korbin is still my sweet cautious child. He observes everything before he even attempts it. It is like he knows and can tell whether or not it is safe. He has becoming to be a little rough houser (probably because he has had to start defending himself.) He laughs at everything, but also whines when he is trying to get Zander in trouble. I can already see how much he looks up to Zander and just adores him. It's crazy because they are only 4 minutes apart. They couldn't be more different then what they are.

As for me and Travis we are busy as ever. Travis is hard at work at Smith Auto in Spanish Fork and couldn't be more grateful for him. He sacrifices so much for this family. Zander and Korbin absolutely adore him. I love watching them play and hearing them talk and jibber jabber at him like they are telling him their whole day. They love when he reads them books. I enjoy every second of watching their relationship grow. He is the most involved amazing dad that I have ever seen.

For me, I just got my Associates degree and started my Bachelors program. It has been crazy trying to get things squared away to continue my education. I have been cramming to take my Praxis in the next couple of weeks, and trying to get a few things figured out. I am very proud of myself and the accomplishments I have had being a mom to twins. It's crazy to think that I am a full-time mom and a full-time student on top of that, and still pulled amazing grades. I have come a long way in the last 16 months. I have grown in so many ways and have really found myself in what I want to be as a mother and just as a person. I have reflected on the relationships that are worth having and the ones that aren't. I have seen the people that truly care and that are there for me and those who aren't. It has been a bitter/sweet last few months. I never thought finding yourself would be such an emotional roller coaster and really having to think of where you want your efforts to be placed and really knowing if you decide to place them there if those efforts will be returned. I tell myself it is a gamble and where you place them. Sometimes you will get lucky and see they are returned and others you will find that they won't at all. When that happens you bet some place else and hope you get lucky. :)

I have realized how blessed I am with my amazing little family, and have now come to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. My patience has deepened, my empathy has gotten much more, and my love has grown. I love my kids and Travis, and love where our lives our. We run into trials but we face them together and we are stronger each time for it. I wake up everyday more grateful then the last. I am a GREAT mom and a GREAT care giver to Travis.

Anyway that is our lives up to this point. There is so much more going on, but I don't have all night to type it out and go in to every detail of what we have been doing.

Randomness

t's 11:30 and I should really be sleeping right now, not blogging, but here I am blogging. Are you ever so disappointed in people all you want to do is scream at them to wake them up? Yeah well I am having those feelings right now, and I hate it. I will never understand some peoples thinking and how self-centered they can be. It just amazes me, how people only think of themselves and not others around them, and how it may make them feel. I have so many emotions right now. In cases like these, what exactly do you do about those feelings? Do you write a letter to the person and burn it? Do you tell them how you feel? Or, do you just move on and swallow the feelings?

On a better note. Halloween was lots of fun. The boys were monsters and they were adorable. We took them trick-or-treating, and for not even being 1 yet, they loved every minute of it. Our first Halloween was a success and I look forward to the many many more to come.

The things the boys are doing now.....

Zander: He is now crawling, and he is all over the place. He's faster now then when he was scooting and he just smiles and laughs while he is doing it. He is now pushing things while he is walking and he is so proud of himself (just like mommy and daddy are) He is pointing at things and saying tis, tis. I just love it. He has such a fun personality and he is getting so cuddly and cute. He just got over Croup and that was no funny and very scary, but he is better now.

Korbin: He is now saying "uh-oh" and it is the most adorable thing in the world. He is standing on everything and walking while pushing things and he thinks he is so big. He has the smile that just stretches across his face and it just lights up the room. He likes to maul your face with kisses. He laughs while he crawling to you. He had a little cold and is better now. He has gotten to be so much fun and you can just see his personality shine through.

Having twins has been so much fun, and such an amazing experience. Every day is new and has it's different challenges, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love getting on the floor and just playing with them. I love seeing the little personalities that they are developing and watching them interact with each other. I love every minute of being a mom with twins. I always getting asked the question " How do you do it?" There are days I even ask myself that. My reply is first, well I couldn't do it if it weren't for Travis (their dad) and then I say, then I just jump in feet first. There are days I don't get to sit down, or even shower, my laundry is piled high to the ceiling, and my house is a mess, but my kids are happy and healthy so everything else isn't worth stressing about.

Zander and Korbin

It has been another long time since I have last updated, and unfortunately this post won't have pictures because I lost my camera charger. So it's just going to be an update. Well Zander and Korbin are a little over 10 months. They are getting so big. They are now pulling themselves up on things and crawling everywhere. They are giving me a run for my money. I honestly don't think I sit down and when I do its on the floor playing with them. They are eating me out of house and home because they eat so much. Zander is waving and saying mama, dada, and baba. Korbin is saying the same words and is now giving kisses. They are doing so many cute and fun things. They are at that stage of figuring more things out so they get frustrated a lot easier. Korbin is a huge mama's boy and it's so much fun, but it can get very hard because I'm the only one he seems to want. Zander is anyone's kid that will play with him. They are both so smilie and giggly. I love them more and more everyday, and I love being a mom. My house is a mess, my laundry is never done, and I rarely get showers during the day, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Being a mom to those two monsters is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So Much Has Happened

Well since I only blog like ever 6 months I actually have a lot to update on.

We had our annual family reunion with the Robinson family at Lava Hot Springs in July. Unfortunately, Travis couldn't make it so I asked my friend Lauren if she wanted to come to help me with the boys. We had a lot of fun, I think we wore her out. Nonetheless, we had a good time. I don't have many pictures, because they are one Lauren's camera.

We moved to Springville into a bigger place. Man it is so nice to be in something bigger, and closer to Travis' family. They have been so helpful with the move and wanting us to be down this way. We are still working on getting everything settled, but it's tough with twins.

We have hit a landmark with the boys, they are officially scooting and are everywhere. They are opening drawers and cupboards, tipping over the dogs water, and trying to get to the only chord in the living room. I have to saw I do have the most adorable kids hands down. They make me so happy and bring so much joy to my life. Whenever I have a bad day, I can count on them to always make my day better and a little less stressful.

I turned 24, and got really sick with a bacterial infection and it was really really bad. The doctor told me I caught it in time, before anything serious happened which was good to hear. I was in bed for a week and Travis took care of everything. I felt bad, but I couldn't move.

This will have a lot of pictures.

DONE!

Everyone I have talked to about blogging they tell me they use it basically as a journal. Well I am horrible at blogging and that could be because I am so busy with twins and school that when I have time the last thing I want to do is blog. Well today I am using this post as a blog as a journal, maybe it will help my frustration.

Do you ever feel you are the only one that tries? Well I feel that every day. I feel that I try with everyone and they never try back. I feel I am always the one to make the plans and invite myself over. When I saw something about it bugging me, the reponse always ends up being "You always know you are invited." Well if I always knew I was invited then why the heck does it bug me so bad? Plus it is nice to know you are wanted every once in awhile. I just wish that people would make more of an effort to have a relationship. You know that saying " The door swings both ways"? Yeah well for me it only swings one way and I am about to just close it all together.

Maybe I shouldn't care so much, but I do. From now on I am not going to care, and putting my efforts else where. If people want me around then they can start to put more of the effort into making that happen. If the don't want too, then that is their loss.

PS People I am also sick of the excuse that you are so busy. Well you know what? I am busy too, but I seem to find the time to make it happen, so why can't you? I feel that if it is important to you then you will make it work and make it happen. Well there it is my venting. If this offends someone then you are probably one of those people that doesn't try..... I'm just saying.

Bragging rights!

I never blog and when I do it's usually short and sweet and to the point about my kids. Well I think I deserve to brag a little about me and my kids.

First I want to brag about my weight after having twins. Before I got pregnant I lost about 10 pounds (this wasn't an easy task to accomplish.) After we found out I was pregnant I lost even more just because I was so sick the entire time. I think my ending weight before I had the twins was 154. The second I pushed those babies out I lost 14 pounds. Then of course breastfeeding helped me lose even more. Since stopping breastfeeding I have only put on about 6 pounds. I am trying hard to keep things off, but it's been challenging. I exersice when I can, and I am eating better. Of couse I have the I just had a baby body. Things for sure aren't tight and flat, but I feel good about myself. I like the way I look because my little body gave me two of the most amazing things anyone go ask for. I didn't get very bad stretch marks either which I was fortunate about. All in all I was lucky.

Next bragging right;

While being pregnant I threw up every day up until the day I had them. I was so sick, but still worked everyday (unless of course I couldn't keep anything down.) I went into premature labor twice and spend 2 holidays in the hospital. I had my babies 5 weeks early, and they were in the NICU for almost 3 weeks and they came home on oxygen and monitors. I have/had zero help, so in other words Travis and I have done this on our own. I think that in itself deserves an award.

Next bragging right (about my kids)

I have to say I have some of the most amazing kids. They are truly the best babies. They started sleeping through the night at 2 months, of course they have their nights, but even adults have those. They are the happiest smiliest babies ever. They only cry when they are hungry or overly tired. When I put them down for naps they go straight to bed. Sometimes, they need a little more help, but they are babies what do we expect? They play so well and can pretty much entertain themselves for the most part. They are so gabby and love to talk and squeel. They are currently teething right now, and I must say they are handling it so well. It's unbelievable.

I think that is all the bragging I will do for now. Here are some pictures of the boys.

Fun new things.

I have to apologize for the delays on blogging. Between being a full time mom, a full time student, and working a few hours a week life gets pretty crazy.

New things that have been going on in our lives:

-The boys are eating more solids. They've tried Sweet Potatoes, Carrots, and Squash.
(this is so fun to try new things with them.)
-We got a bigger and very nice car.
(this can fit our whole family comfortably.)
-Korbin broke his first tooth.
(Zander is so close I can feel it.)
-Travis's first Father's Day.

Those are just a few things.

6 months

Zander and Korbin are 6 months on Friday. I can't believe how time has flown. I have looked back at their pictures from when they were born and in the NICU and how small they were. I still can't believe they were only 4 lbs when they were born and now they are probably 15-17 lbs. As they get older things have gotten harder, but easier at the same time. Harder because they aren't as mobile because you need to make sure they stay on a schedule with naps. Easy is once I put them in the crib they usually fall right to sleep. Every once in awhile I need to go in there and put the paci back in their mouth.

Zander has been rolling over and has been for about a month or so. Korbin is so close and will get it anytime now. It's so cute to watch him try if he is next to Zander he will use Zander to help him. Zander is so ready to start crawling. He gets so frustrated because he just wants to get up and go. They are both so strong and are so smiliy and giggly. They started rice cereal, Zander loves it Korbin hates it. I love seeing all their milestones.

Korbin was laughing...It was so cute.

Mother's Day

This was my frist year being a mom, and I must say it was so amazing to have this day be about me now. :) The whole day I felt so blessed and lucky to have such an amazing family. I always knew I would be a mom, but I never thought I would be a mom to twins. I have the greatest kids in the world. They are so much fun and make me so happy. I had such a great day. Unfortunately, Travis had to work luckily he only works a few hours because it's a slow day, so I spent the whole day with the boys. When Travis got home he gave me my gift from him and the boys. I must say I was spoiled and he's amazing. He got me a gift card to Primrose for a 50 minute massage, 50 minute facial, 50 minutes pedicure with a gourmet lunch. I can't wait until I can use it and get pampered. Then we got the boys ready and headed to his mom's house. I always have a blast there and it gives Travis and I a break and just relax a bit. They can't get enough of them so we're lucky if we even get to see them when we're there. Sadly this was the first year my mom wasn't here. She has moved to Texas and was there on this special day. However, Tyler, me and Tessa sent her flowers to let her know that we love her and she's amazing. I was really sad to not have my mom there. All in all it was a great day and I'm so lucky to call myself a mom.

4 Months

Zander and Korbin turned 4 months old on April 11 they had their doctor appt the week after to get their shots and to get weighed and measured. I have to tell you that I absolutely love our doctor. He is so amazing with the boys and you can tell he adores them. It probably helps that he is like family, but he is amazing. Zander weighed 13 lbs 13 oz and is 25 inches long. When I saw those numbers I couldn't believe it. It seems like just yesterday I was holding a 4 lb baby in my arms with wires everywhere. Korbin weighed 11 lbs 4 oz and is 23 1/2 inches long. He is getting so big too, and he was so small, and I still look at him being so small, but he is when you set him next to his brother. I get the best of both worlds a small baby and a big baby. They are so much fun, they are full of smiles and are starting to laugh and just love to play. They seem to developing at a normal speed even being premies. They are rolling from their stomach to their back. I don't know if it's on purpose or just something that happens. Korbin has been pretty fussy, and I thought it might be acid reflux so he's on a medicine to help that. Then I think they might be teething but I have no idea. Being a parent is full of guessing games. They use to hate the car and would always cry and I found one thing that gets them to calm down and it's the weirdest thing. It's Rascal Flatts. I have no idea why, but they do. This stage has been the hardest but funnest stage.

It's hard because they don't nap in their cribs and when I put them in drowsy but awake they start bawling and they aren't on a napping schedule and that's been frustrating because I have done and tried everything known to man but nothing is helping. When I put them in when they asleep they sleep for 45 minutes, but if they are in the bouncer or swing I can get a 2 hour nap out of them. Its really hard. I've even read every book. Its very discouraging and has made be feel really insecure.

The fun things is they wake up so happy and smile the second they see you. They are starting to laugh and get more active and vocal. They love their hands and suck on everything and anything they can get their hands on. It's so fun to see their different personalities and the different things they both do and learn. I can't wait to see when they get older.

I HATE BLOGGING!!!

So I have decided I hate blogging, not only do I have nothing to talk about no one reads it. So I guess I will just write anyway to update the people that do read this.

The boys are now 4 months old (wow!!) We haven't gone to our 4 month appt yet we have one set for next week, so I don't know how much they weigh or how long they are, but they are huge. Korbin is still smaller than Zander, but I think he'll sprout up here soon. Zander might have to wear a helmet because one side of his head is getting flat (cross your fingers that doesn't happen.) If it does then we know it will help him and that is all the matters.

Zander: Is getting so strong and big. When he is on his tummy he can lift his head up and just looks all over the place. He is so smiley and loves to talk. He is so active and so much fun. His spitting up is getting so much better, but we have our days we go through 4 different outfits. Zander hates to be swaddled other then when it's nap time or bed time and even then he finds away to get out of it.

Korbin: He has a smile that couldn't get any bigger. He is so talkative and such a pill. He loves to be cuddled to the point it makes things hard to get done, but I love it because Zander doesn't really like to be cuddled anymore. Korbin has been a little bit more fussy lately and I can't seem to figure out why. I am guessing it's just because he loves to be held.

We went to my sisters house the other day to see Hadler and her, and we had such a good time. We love seeing her and Hadler. We have so much fun together and we are so close and you can just tell that my boys just adore them and Hadler loves them. I love having close kids and love that we are both stay at home mom's so we can play and make sure our kids are close friends.

I need to post pictures but I think I am just to lazy to upload them so I will do better to get pictures.

My Life

Those of you who know me know that I gave birth to twins a little over 3 months ago. I have come to realize what a blessing kids are, but also how much harder my life has become. I've never been one to tell people or say that my life is harder than your life even at times I think in my head that it is and they have no idea. I was the girl who loved her independence and free agency where she could go anywhere she wanted at a drop of a hat or stay up late and not care because she could sleep later. Well ladies and gents that has all changed. Don't get me wrong I love my kids, but sometimes I miss the, I want to go to a movie, so I just go. There are days that I look around my house and just want to cry from the overwhelming feeling I get (and that's not of joy.)I look in the kitchen and see dishes from the night before and the laundry stacking up because I don't have the time or energy to put it away. I look in my living room and I have diapers, baby clothes, baby lotion, baby wipes, swings, baby bouncers, baby boppies, bottles that still need to be washed and then I look down and see two smiling babies that all the sudden start in too two screaming babies. I than think to myself SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!! I then turn on the computer and see that I have 8 assignments due by Sunday and I then realize it's Friday another wave of tears want to take over. I'm not complaining about my life just merely venting about it. That's okay right?

I know I am so lucky to have the kids that I have, but there are times I just think that maybe I'm a bad mom for having certain feelings at times that are more angry than happy, and then I think I am a bad mom because they aren't on a schedule even if I try to get them on one and when things tart to work out with that schedule they decide they want to screw it up. I tell myself you are doing the best you can and it does get easier they are babies and you have two not one two. So give yourself a little more credit. Would it be easier if I had more time for me? If I want to plan anything I have to do it a few days in advance and then 3 hours ahead on the day it's been planned and by the time that time comes I no longer want to go out because I am exhausted.

On a more positive note I really do have the most amazing kids and I am so lucky to have them, Even with all the crap that needs to get done or the stress that starts to take over my life I lay on the floor or in bed with them and all my troubles seem to fade for about 5 minutes (that's about the time they bring me back to reality) :) They are so full of smiles which can brighten up anyone's day if you ask me. Plus the stories they are beginning to tell makes my heart grow ten times bigger because of the love I have for them. They are great boys they sleep through the night most nights and they are generally always happy.

I like being a stay at home mom, but I don't think some people realize how hard of a job it really is. I think mom's deserve more than one day to be celebrated. They need more recognition on the things they do. They are moms, wives, friends, housekeepers, psychologists, chefs, a laundry mat, and so much more and all we get is one day for people to say hey take the day off (and lets me honest do we really even get the day off?)

I am going to send a challenge out to people men, women, or children to go to a mom and say "hey you are doing an amazing job let me take the kids for a few hours you go relax, or say hey let me run you a bath so you can relax here's your ipod and a good book, or I got the laundry, dinner and dishes tonight." It's not a hard challenge and it will show unappreciated moms that we do notice.

I hope you guys don't read this and think I hate being a mom because that's not the case at all. I love being a mom, but I am just being real and not sugarcoating anything. This is my life now and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Holy Smokes 3 months!!!

I can't believe it my kids are 3 months old now. I can't believe how fast time goes. They have grown so much and have become so much fun. They are smiling so much more now and are a lot more active and alert. We love to play on the floor and have tummy time. I'm not sure what they weigh now or what their height is, but they seem to just keep growing.

Valentine's Day

This year was probably the best Valentine's. I had 3 of the best Valentines and it was low key and relaxing. Travis had to work until 8, so while he was at work I cleaned the house folded all the laundry and made dinner. I put a Roast in the crock pot made German fried potatoes and corn. Travis and I didn't want to make this year to be a big deal due to money being tight and we also don't need a holiday to tell each other we love each other. Well when he got home he had a dozen roses for me. He was so excited and happy because he made the arrangement himself, which made it so much better. We had dinner and then we watched Moulin Rouge (and I fell asleep) :) All in all it was a great day and night. I look forward to next years Valentine's Day.

2 Months.....WTH

My boys are 2 months old. I can't believe it!!! I love seeing all the changes and new things the boys do. They are getting so big and gaining weight so fast. They had their 2 month check up and had to get shots, it was so sad. I had to go alone due to Travis having to work. It was so hard seeing them cry and in pain, and it broke my heart more when I couldn't hold both of them. The doctor was amazing and let us go into his office so I could love on both of them in a chair and feed them. They fell right to sleep and slept all day. I had to wake them up to eat because they were so tired and worn out. They are sleeping so great at night they sleep 6-8 hours a night and during the day they stay awake for a few hours and sleep for a few hours. It's so fun.

Zander I weigh 9 lbs 15 oz and I am 22 inches long. I love to play on the floor with mommy and daddy and I love tummy time. I fight sleep and get overly tired so I cry because I don't know what to do with myself. They only thing that calms me down is to be un-swaddled and given to mommy with my pacifier and a fleece blanket over me touching my head and then mommy has to rock me. I am starting to smile and make more noises. I'm no longer constipated so I sleep so much better and I'm no longer fussy.

Korbin I weight 7 lbs 9 oz and I am 20 inches long. I know i am quite a bit smaller than my brother, but you wait I will catch up. I don't like to play the floor all that much because I like to be swaddled and still get scared like I am going to fall. I'm trying to get the smiling thing down, but when I do smile mommy and daddy love it. I'm a very chill guy and I am very patient. I love my pacifier when it falls out of my mouth I cry until it gets put back in. I love to cuddle with mommy and daddy, and I'm getting to be a better eater I've been eating 4-5 oz at a time.

Getting Big

Zander and Korbin are getting so big, and it makes me so sad, but yet so excited to see all of their changes and growth. At their 4 week appointment Zander weighed 5 lbs 10 oz 19 1/2 inches long and Korbin was 4 lbs and 13 oz 18 1/2 inches long. They gained 2 lbs in 2 weeks from leaving the hospital. All I can say is they eat and eat and eat. Zander can eat 6 oz if we let him (we would let him, but he over eats and throws up so we have to monitor his intake) so we only let him eat 4 1/2 to 5 oz, Korbin eats 4-5 oz. They sleep pretty well at night they can go 4-5 hour stretches some nights its 3, but most of the time its 4-5. Its crazy that they are both still so little, but you can tell their little personalities now. Korbin is so patient and chill, where Zander knows what he wants and won't stop until he gets it. For example when he's hungry he will let you know and there is no calming him down until he can taste the milk. I do laundry at least everyday so you can imagine what our house looks like some days. I do my best to keep it clean and make dinner, but sometimes it just doesn't happen (which is more often than not.) There isn't much more I can tell you about whats been going on in this household, because all they do is eat, sleep, and poop. :)

Going Private

I am making my blog private if you want to continue reading send me your email and I would be happy to invite you.

Zander and Korbin 1 month

I can't believe it Zander and Korbin are a month old. Man time flew.....I feel a little sad about it because they were in the NICU for 2 1/2 weeks of their live and I feel I missed out on that time and the fun we could of had at home with them. I love being a mom, I won't lie though it has been tough with twins. Having one I'm sure is hard enough, but with two you double the hardness. I go days without sleep, and times where I just cry, but I am very lucky. I have very 2 great boys. They sleep 3-4 hours at a time and hardly ever cry. I know I am very blessed to have them in my life. They have grown so much. They have gained a little more than a pound since coming home from the hospital. They are great eaters. It's a true statement when people say all they do is eat, sleep, and poop. Yes they do, do all of those, but they also stay awake and play for about an hour at a time. I'm glad to have the boys home and I love being a mom.

34 weeks and 5 days. LABOR DAY

After Travis and I went to bed we woke up about 9 and just talked and cuddled in bed. At about 10:45ish all the sudden I felt a gush of something downstairs. I went to the bathroom and my underwear was soaked. I just though oh that could just be another sign of being pregnant (yeah it was a sign all right it's calling your water breaking) I went back in to the room and told Travis that I thought my water broke. He bolted out of bed, while he was in a frantic panic I called my mom and sister to double check and see what they thought. Sure enough they both told me the same thing. We called American Fork hospital to see if they suggested we go there or to Utah Valley due to them being pre-mature and may need the NICU. Then my Dr called and said to just go to Utah Valley. We got to Utah Valley at about 11:15 that morning. They did some tests just to make sure and sure enough I was right and in labor. They put me back on all the monitors and IV's. They put me on pitocin for about 10 minutes but then didn't see anything change so they took me off (Dr's orders) Every time they checked me I was still the same and it was getting very frustrating because the contractions were so close together and painful. Finally after about 3 hours I had dialted to a 4-5 and then got an epidural. This part hurt worse than the labor contractions. It took the Dr about 45 minutes to get the dang thing in my back. He couldn't get it in the right spot because he said my anatomy was different and he had to go in from the side. After I got that I was feeling so much better, until I started throwing up. I was very sick through labor and threw up a lot. We started calling family and letting them know where I was and what was going on. We started taking guesses on what we thought what the kids would weigh and what time I'd have them. We all guessed fairly close together until we called my sister-in-law Lani and Tessa who both guessed around 2:00am the next day. So everyone started changing their times, but I kept mine. They doctor came in and broke my water for baby A because baby B was the one who's broke first. After he broke the water it still seemed like it took forever to get them here. Well 9:3o I had jumped from a 4 to a 9 then in 5 minutes I was at a 10. They just let me contract for a bit and just wanted to see if baby A would come down further. 10:00 I started pushed at 11:00 they wheeled me to the OR and at 11:11pm Zander J Vantassell was born at 11:15 his baby brother Korbin Curtis Vantassel was born. Zander weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 17 1/2 inches long and Korbin weighed 4 lbs even and 17 1/2 inches long. It was the best day of my life. They took them back to a room to clean them off. Travis was able to go back there and see them.I only got to see them for a minute because they had to take them to the NICU. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me and Travis.