For The Record

This post will mainly be about Travis and a little about me. So if you read this just to catch up on my kids then you may want to move on. This is an informative post and more about setting the record straight about Travis and myself.

Travis and I got divorced 2 years ago (2009) and I think there has been some speculation as to why we got divorced. He and I got divorced because we were young and naive. We had an unrealistic view of what marriage should be like. We wanted our cake and eat it too. We were simply playing house and not facing the real reality that marriage takes work and compromise and neither one of us were willing to do either of those. There were also a lot of issues going into the marriage that neither one of us knew how to deal with, and that pushed us apart rather than pushing us together. So for us divorce seemed like our only option.  This is were the speculation comes in. Some have talked amongst each other saying that it was drugs that caused our divorce. They couldn't be more wrong, and if people would just ask the source then you will most likely get a more accurate answer regarding the matter.

Travis got into drugs right after we separated and  the divorce process started. He was not on drugs during our marriage. I would be lying if I said he never did any while we were married, but he did. Can I honestly say he wasn't addicted while we were married? Absolutely, I can say that. I left Travis on October 10th of 2009 due to his request. He didn't start really getting into drugs until a few weeks after. Our divorce became final in February. At this time I wasn't aware of Travis' problem because we didn't speak. We reconnected in April of 2010, and I decided I would give him another chance. I had my suspicions a few months into it that he was addicted to drugs, but I never confronted the issue. Yes, I know I was foolish, I don't need the judgement from anyone.

January of 2010 was when it all hit the fan and came out that he has had a drug problem for the past 2 years. He was put in ICU due to a very bad drug withdrawal that almost killed him. Let me repeat.......IT WAS A WITHDRAWAL, not an overdose. They are two completely different things.  He was in the hospital for 3 days getting the help he needed and desperately wanted. 

Staying clean was what he wanted. So his mom and I didn't everything we could to help him with that.  We got him into a specialist who deals with drug addicts all day. This doctor was referred to us by the hosiptal.  The doctor assessed him and decided that putting him on Suboxone was the best way to go for him. From what I understand there are only 5 doctors in the state that can prescribe this particular drug. Now this is where the confusion comes in for many people. Some people think that there aren't really doctors out there that would to that and that he is really buying them off the street, or people think you can only be on Suboxone for 6 months. Let me tell you if you hear this from anyone, then they are wrong. He is a real doctor at a really office and everything. :)  I will quote what he said regarding being on suboxone "you could be on this up to 3 years, due to the severity of your addiction. Some people are on it for many years, so don't feel discouraged about not coming off it as quickly as you hope." Yes, this is an addictive drug. Yes, people wonder why fight fire with fire. Well people, some people need this to help with the craving of what they were abusing. Suboxone is an opiate blocker, it doesn't make you high or give you a feeling of being high. It is strictly there to help you with the recovery process (by the way is not an over night process, it is a life time process.) Travis is monitored closely by his doctor and from what his doctor says he if very impressed at how well he was been doing and how far he has come from the first day he saw him. They reason he is doing so well is not because of some opiate blocker or because he was thrown ultimatums. It was all because he himself  wanted to stop he was ready to stop and he also has a great support system to help him along the way.

At this point some of you may be asking yourselves why I didn't just leave him. I didn't leave him because I believe people deserve to be forgiven and not be judged based off of their demons. I also believe that to some degree people can change.  Would it have been easier to leave? Of course, but I didn't because I loved him and I had faith in him that he could change and get through this trial.  Well guess what? He changed and he changed drastically, and its unfortunate that some are not willing to give him the chance to show that he has. They are missing out on a great and amazing guy. There loss not ours.

The thing that has upset me the most in all of this, are a few things; first, people talk behind our backs about it rather then come to us and ask us the questions about it. Second, that they have turned it around to some how be about them and they some how have become the victims. Everyone that knows Travis should be proud of him and not judging him for the mistakes he has made in his past. The definition of past is: Gone by in time and no longer existing. So move on, leave it in the past and find out who they are in the present and form an opinion about them, that is not based on what they did in the past. It's okay to have your reservations about someone because of their past, but don't let that blind you from what they have become because of their past.

Travis has been clean for 2 1/2 years now, he is almost off Suboxone, and he has changed a lot. He is an amazing dad to Zander and Korbin. He has changed in more ways then I can put on a blog. You really just have to get to know him to see what I see and not be so wrapped up in your own lives and perceptions to really notice.

Like I said this was a post to mainly inform you of the REAL story between Travis and me. 

Blogging

Oh blogging!!!! I am terrible at blogging. I need to get better and dedicate myself more too it.

It has been really crazy for us since the last time I blogged. The boys are getting so big and doing some of the funniest things. I enjoy them so much. They are learning so much every day, and are understanding a lot.

When it's time for a nap, and I ask them if they want to take a nap they find their blankies, and go straight to their room and wait for me at their cribs. When I ask if they want a snack they go straight for the pantry and decide which snack they want. Basically, when I ask them anything they go straight to where ever it is.

Zander is a ball of energy. He runs everywhere. He is definitely the big brother, he wants whatever Korbin has even if he has the exact same toy. The two of them have become more interactive with each other. There are times when I am in the kitchen cleaning or starting dinner I will hear both of them laughing together. It melts my heart. Zander will push Korbin down or pull his hair until Korbin gives the toy up or moves out of Zander's way. It is very frustrating and I am working hard to break that habit.

Korbin is still my sweet cautious child. He observes everything before he even attempts it. It is like he knows and can tell whether or not it is safe. He has becoming to be a little rough houser (probably because he has had to start defending himself.) He laughs at everything, but also whines when he is trying to get Zander in trouble. I can already see how much he looks up to Zander and just adores him. It's crazy because they are only 4 minutes apart. They couldn't be more different then what they are.

As for me and Travis we are busy as ever. Travis is hard at work at Smith Auto in Spanish Fork and couldn't be more grateful for him. He sacrifices so much for this family. Zander and Korbin absolutely adore him. I love watching them play and hearing them talk and jibber jabber at him like they are telling him their whole day. They love when he reads them books. I enjoy every second of watching their relationship grow. He is the most involved amazing dad that I have ever seen.

For me, I just got my Associates degree and started my Bachelors program. It has been crazy trying to get things squared away to continue my education. I have been cramming to take my Praxis in the next couple of weeks, and trying to get a few things figured out. I am very proud of myself and the accomplishments I have had being a mom to twins. It's crazy to think that I am a full-time mom and a full-time student on top of that, and still pulled amazing grades. I have come a long way in the last 16 months. I have grown in so many ways and have really found myself in what I want to be as a mother and just as a person. I have reflected on the relationships that are worth having and the ones that aren't. I have seen the people that truly care and that are there for me and those who aren't. It has been a bitter/sweet last few months. I never thought finding yourself would be such an emotional roller coaster and really having to think of where you want your efforts to be placed and really knowing if you decide to place them there if those efforts will be returned. I tell myself it is a gamble and where you place them. Sometimes you will get lucky and see they are returned and others you will find that they won't at all. When that happens you bet some place else and hope you get lucky. :)

I have realized how blessed I am with my amazing little family, and have now come to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. My patience has deepened, my empathy has gotten much more, and my love has grown. I love my kids and Travis, and love where our lives our. We run into trials but we face them together and we are stronger each time for it. I wake up everyday more grateful then the last. I am a GREAT mom and a GREAT care giver to Travis.

Anyway that is our lives up to this point. There is so much more going on, but I don't have all night to type it out and go in to every detail of what we have been doing.

Randomness

t's 11:30 and I should really be sleeping right now, not blogging, but here I am blogging. Are you ever so disappointed in people all you want to do is scream at them to wake them up? Yeah well I am having those feelings right now, and I hate it. I will never understand some peoples thinking and how self-centered they can be. It just amazes me, how people only think of themselves and not others around them, and how it may make them feel. I have so many emotions right now. In cases like these, what exactly do you do about those feelings? Do you write a letter to the person and burn it? Do you tell them how you feel? Or, do you just move on and swallow the feelings?

On a better note. Halloween was lots of fun. The boys were monsters and they were adorable. We took them trick-or-treating, and for not even being 1 yet, they loved every minute of it. Our first Halloween was a success and I look forward to the many many more to come.

The things the boys are doing now.....

Zander: He is now crawling, and he is all over the place. He's faster now then when he was scooting and he just smiles and laughs while he is doing it. He is now pushing things while he is walking and he is so proud of himself (just like mommy and daddy are) He is pointing at things and saying tis, tis. I just love it. He has such a fun personality and he is getting so cuddly and cute. He just got over Croup and that was no funny and very scary, but he is better now.

Korbin: He is now saying "uh-oh" and it is the most adorable thing in the world. He is standing on everything and walking while pushing things and he thinks he is so big. He has the smile that just stretches across his face and it just lights up the room. He likes to maul your face with kisses. He laughs while he crawling to you. He had a little cold and is better now. He has gotten to be so much fun and you can just see his personality shine through.

Having twins has been so much fun, and such an amazing experience. Every day is new and has it's different challenges, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love getting on the floor and just playing with them. I love seeing the little personalities that they are developing and watching them interact with each other. I love every minute of being a mom with twins. I always getting asked the question " How do you do it?" There are days I even ask myself that. My reply is first, well I couldn't do it if it weren't for Travis (their dad) and then I say, then I just jump in feet first. There are days I don't get to sit down, or even shower, my laundry is piled high to the ceiling, and my house is a mess, but my kids are happy and healthy so everything else isn't worth stressing about.

Zander and Korbin

It has been another long time since I have last updated, and unfortunately this post won't have pictures because I lost my camera charger. So it's just going to be an update. Well Zander and Korbin are a little over 10 months. They are getting so big. They are now pulling themselves up on things and crawling everywhere. They are giving me a run for my money. I honestly don't think I sit down and when I do its on the floor playing with them. They are eating me out of house and home because they eat so much. Zander is waving and saying mama, dada, and baba. Korbin is saying the same words and is now giving kisses. They are doing so many cute and fun things. They are at that stage of figuring more things out so they get frustrated a lot easier. Korbin is a huge mama's boy and it's so much fun, but it can get very hard because I'm the only one he seems to want. Zander is anyone's kid that will play with him. They are both so smilie and giggly. I love them more and more everyday, and I love being a mom. My house is a mess, my laundry is never done, and I rarely get showers during the day, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Being a mom to those two monsters is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So Much Has Happened

Well since I only blog like ever 6 months I actually have a lot to update on.

We had our annual family reunion with the Robinson family at Lava Hot Springs in July. Unfortunately, Travis couldn't make it so I asked my friend Lauren if she wanted to come to help me with the boys. We had a lot of fun, I think we wore her out. Nonetheless, we had a good time. I don't have many pictures, because they are one Lauren's camera.

We moved to Springville into a bigger place. Man it is so nice to be in something bigger, and closer to Travis' family. They have been so helpful with the move and wanting us to be down this way. We are still working on getting everything settled, but it's tough with twins.

We have hit a landmark with the boys, they are officially scooting and are everywhere. They are opening drawers and cupboards, tipping over the dogs water, and trying to get to the only chord in the living room. I have to saw I do have the most adorable kids hands down. They make me so happy and bring so much joy to my life. Whenever I have a bad day, I can count on them to always make my day better and a little less stressful.

I turned 24, and got really sick with a bacterial infection and it was really really bad. The doctor told me I caught it in time, before anything serious happened which was good to hear. I was in bed for a week and Travis took care of everything. I felt bad, but I couldn't move.

This will have a lot of pictures.

DONE!

Everyone I have talked to about blogging they tell me they use it basically as a journal. Well I am horrible at blogging and that could be because I am so busy with twins and school that when I have time the last thing I want to do is blog. Well today I am using this post as a blog as a journal, maybe it will help my frustration.

Do you ever feel you are the only one that tries? Well I feel that every day. I feel that I try with everyone and they never try back. I feel I am always the one to make the plans and invite myself over. When I saw something about it bugging me, the reponse always ends up being "You always know you are invited." Well if I always knew I was invited then why the heck does it bug me so bad? Plus it is nice to know you are wanted every once in awhile. I just wish that people would make more of an effort to have a relationship. You know that saying " The door swings both ways"? Yeah well for me it only swings one way and I am about to just close it all together.

Maybe I shouldn't care so much, but I do. From now on I am not going to care, and putting my efforts else where. If people want me around then they can start to put more of the effort into making that happen. If the don't want too, then that is their loss.

PS People I am also sick of the excuse that you are so busy. Well you know what? I am busy too, but I seem to find the time to make it happen, so why can't you? I feel that if it is important to you then you will make it work and make it happen. Well there it is my venting. If this offends someone then you are probably one of those people that doesn't try..... I'm just saying.

Bragging rights!

I never blog and when I do it's usually short and sweet and to the point about my kids. Well I think I deserve to brag a little about me and my kids.

First I want to brag about my weight after having twins. Before I got pregnant I lost about 10 pounds (this wasn't an easy task to accomplish.) After we found out I was pregnant I lost even more just because I was so sick the entire time. I think my ending weight before I had the twins was 154. The second I pushed those babies out I lost 14 pounds. Then of course breastfeeding helped me lose even more. Since stopping breastfeeding I have only put on about 6 pounds. I am trying hard to keep things off, but it's been challenging. I exersice when I can, and I am eating better. Of couse I have the I just had a baby body. Things for sure aren't tight and flat, but I feel good about myself. I like the way I look because my little body gave me two of the most amazing things anyone go ask for. I didn't get very bad stretch marks either which I was fortunate about. All in all I was lucky.

Next bragging right;

While being pregnant I threw up every day up until the day I had them. I was so sick, but still worked everyday (unless of course I couldn't keep anything down.) I went into premature labor twice and spend 2 holidays in the hospital. I had my babies 5 weeks early, and they were in the NICU for almost 3 weeks and they came home on oxygen and monitors. I have/had zero help, so in other words Travis and I have done this on our own. I think that in itself deserves an award.

Next bragging right (about my kids)

I have to say I have some of the most amazing kids. They are truly the best babies. They started sleeping through the night at 2 months, of course they have their nights, but even adults have those. They are the happiest smiliest babies ever. They only cry when they are hungry or overly tired. When I put them down for naps they go straight to bed. Sometimes, they need a little more help, but they are babies what do we expect? They play so well and can pretty much entertain themselves for the most part. They are so gabby and love to talk and squeel. They are currently teething right now, and I must say they are handling it so well. It's unbelievable.

I think that is all the bragging I will do for now. Here are some pictures of the boys.